I keep getting into altercations in movie theaters.

But this one was TOTALLY NOT MY FAULT.

I went to the midnight showing of Snow White with my friend Mariam. Halfway through, some guy next to us pulls his phone out and is on Facebook for like five minutes, which is a long-ass time when there’s bright blue light in the corner of your eye and you’re trying to watch a goddamn movie.

I passive aggressively whisper, “Ugh, can you believe this?” at Mariam, loud enough for the guy to hear. Maybe, I think, he will get the message.

Mariam whips her head around and glares at the guy. “Excuse me,” she hisses. “Can you please turn your phone off?”

“Why?” he says, and gives us the stupidest smirk, like he’s done something clever. I don’t know where he got that impression from.

I encourage Mariam to leave it alone. Eventually, he gets bored of his phone and we watch the rest of the movie in peace.

When we’re exiting the theater, he and his friend catch up to us.

“You know,” he says, as condescending as you please, “maybe if you’d asked nicely, it would have been more effective.”

“You were asked nicely at the beginning of the movie when it said ‘please turn off your fucking phone,’” Mariam says, bristling.

The guy laughs, and I’m pretty sure Mariam is about to slap him. She starts to say something else, and I cut her off and attempt to diffuse the situation.

“Mariam,” I say to her, enunciating as clearly as possible. “This guy is an entitled, peanut-brained cunt. And no one will ever love him. Let’s go.” And then I whisked her away before either of them could say anything else.

I maybe need to work on my “breaking-up-fights” skills. Ryan Gosling, I am not. To be fair, no one was punched, and that guy may cry himself to sleep tonight. So, is that a victory?